why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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