i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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