K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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