It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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You took a bar mat shot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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