So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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