also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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