when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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