She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize