I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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