I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
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I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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