we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
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I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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