I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
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I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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