Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
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Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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