Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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