You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
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No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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