I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
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This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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