you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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