Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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