i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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