Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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