I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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