Who wears a wallet chain?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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