That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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