You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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