You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
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I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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