remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
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She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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