I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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