I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm like, not good at living.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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