If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
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i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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