my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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