My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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