My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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