I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dicks are not precious.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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