I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
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she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize