I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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