my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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