Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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