You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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