Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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