There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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