I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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