and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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