I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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