you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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