dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
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I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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