Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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