i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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