i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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