I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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