I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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